The Smackhouses have invented a new game since the inception of my police academy training. Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek have nothing on us (except for a well-groomed mustache). I’d like to introduce you to “Bruiseopoly”.
Before we play, you’ll need a little background information. First- I’m a klutz. I’ve clearly established grounds for this assertion in an earlier post. Secondly, part of my police academy training includes combatives and defense tactics. This class incorporates two weekly sessions that are 4-5 hours each. This is not your community center’s self defense class. The combatives instructors demonstrate offensive and defensive moves that recruits then “practice” on each other in combat scenarios. This will eventually lead to a 2 minute and 4 minute fight as part of our testing. Thirdly, my skin is a tough little cookie. I don’t bruise easily, which sometimes frustrates me regarding roller derby because I never have impressive war wounds. The first notable bruise I received as a Naptown Roller Girl resulted from my own clumsiness, not a hit on the track (I was in the bathroom at practice, and the holy fear of JRoller (our coach) and missing any part of our scrimmage left me in such a hurry that I slipped on my skates and hit my leg and head on the toilet. I can’t exactly brag about a bruise resulting from the loo.)
With those facts in mind, let’s move on to the game. In “Bruiseopoly” you must correctly identify if the origin of the bruise (depicted in the photo) resulted from:
a.) roller derby
b.) police academy
c.) my own clumsiness
d.) an attack from a rabid animal
Let’s play!
If you guessed B, you are correct! These bruises resulted after day two of combatives training when I was paired with one of the boniest recruits in our class. It’s all fun and games until a 90 lb recruit officer stabs you with his elbow. Let’s move on to photo #2
Did you answer A? Good job! This is what is affectionately known as “rink rash” in roller derby world. It’s the burn a skater gets on her skin after falling on a skating surface, and this is a fairly mild case. The next photo isn’t actually a bruise, a mere flesh wound, but let’s see if you can guess the origin:
If you said B again, you are correct sir! This minor mark resulted from our first handcuffing class at police academy. My partner underestimated the thickness of my wrists and cuffed me a little too tight, pinching the skin.
And the answer is C. This resulted from an incident with a sink while hopping around in the early morning hours trying to put on pants. I have more at-home accidents while trying to put on pants than any other endeavor (for most other Americans it’s tripping over their pets-which causes over 86,000 injuries a year, resulting in over 240 trips to the emergency room every day. Lesson learned: watch out for that goldfish.) Let’s move on to your final opportunity:
Did you guess D? Incorrect, I did not face a rabid squirrel this week. The answer is B. This resulted from partnering with a 300 lb recruit officer during another combatives training. He just looked at me and I bruised up, or maybe it was the time he pressed his entire body mass on me after a double leg takedown.
Congratulations! You’ve now played your first game of “Bruiseopoly”. You successfully identified the origin of my bruises without killing your oxen or dying of dysentery. As the weeks progress, we’ll play again. You can look forward to guest appearances by Bob Barker, Wayne Brady, Regis Philbin, Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery, and if SNL doesn’t pan out for Betty White, I’ve offered her the co-hosting position. Until next time..
The Fresh Meat Beat 